Safety
by Natsuki22
Summary: Not strictly, word-by-word, but I used this prompt for the story: "Head canon where one of the reasons Alec tried to never kill anything was because it gave him serious anxiety attacks. Magnus finds out about Alec's anxiety and initiates cuddle hours every day he has to hunt." (Thanks for the idea: myshipsaregaysicannotcontain @ Tumblr.)


Every step felt harder to take than the previous one, and it seemed to take an eternity for Alec to climb up the stairs leading to the second floor, on which his boyfriend's apartment was. He was panting heavily not because those few stairs tired him out, no way. He was a Shadowhunter with amazing physique and a stamina rune, after all. But, unfortunately, there were no runes to help him fight anxiety or deal with a panic attack; and what usually caused those was also what Shadowhunters couldn't avoid from time to time: killing.

It didn't matter if it was a human (which barely ever was the case, luckily), a vampire, a werewolf, a seelie, a demon, or any other species: ever since the first time, whenever Alec had no choice but to kill a living creature, it added to his anxiety, and eventually it always became too much, causing a panic attack. During fights, the adrenaline distracted him, and he was thankful for it; that way he at least never risked his own or fellow Shadowhunters' safety because of it. But as soon they claimed their victory and Alec looked around, realising that he has caused death again, his breathing turned heavy, and it bit by bit became harder for him to think rationally.

At those times, he usually went to hide in his room, or at any other place where he could be alone, trying to convince himself that it was alright, it was inevitable, and that he did the right thing. Sometimes he succeeded in just a few short minutes, but at other times he needed an hour or two, or even a whole night, before his heartbeats became steady again, and he was able to talk to others without letting them notice that something was wrong.

He knew, of course, that both of his siblings would have been willing to help, especially since one of them was also his parabatai, but the last thing he wanted was making them worry about him, or worse, feel sorry for him. He convinced himself he could deal with it alone, and that he didn't need to tell anyone, or ask for help.

But one night, when he was hiding in the bedroom of the apartment he shared with his boyfriend, Magnus found him, and no matter how hard Alec protested against it, the warlock insisted on comforting him. That was how minutes later Alec found himself sitting in Magnus's lap, the warlock's fingertips soothingly caressing his arms, lips pressed tenderly to his temple. And despite his decision about not needing help, the Shadowhunter had to admit that simply being held close by someone who loves him so dearly, made everything so much easier to deal with.

They never agreed on it with words, and Magnus never made Alec talk about it unless he wanted to, but from then on it was natural for Alec to search for his boyfriend when it all became too much to handle.

And that was how on that night he found himself weakly calling for Magnus as soon as the apartment's door closed behind him. He already had difficulties breathing, so it was even harder to talk, but the warlock still appeared seconds later; either because he heard him, or because the guard spells at the door let him know that someone arrived. Alec didn't care about the reason; all he cared about was the safety and comfort he felt as soon as Magnus wrapped his arms around him, pulling the younger man into his embrace.

"Alexander..." Magnus whispered, immediately perceiving the situation and doing his best to help his boyfriend calm down. The warlock's voice made Alec shiver, and as he hid his face against the slightly taller man's neck, he inhaled his scent.

"I'm here." That was all Magnus added, before reaching to lift Alec into his arms, carrying him over to the couch with slow steps, and carefully making him sit down. His moves were still gentle and patient as he squatted down, removing Alec's shoes and putting them on the floor. He soon did the same with the jacket as well that the Shadowhunter was wearing and that had some blood stains on it, which he cleared away with a quick spell, not wanting the sight of blood to further trigger the other man.

His next spell was soon used to make a mug of warm peppermint tea appear in his hand, and he leaned down to kiss Alec's forehead while giving him the drink. Just seconds later, Magnus moved to sit next to his boyfriend, pulling the man close and wrapping one of his arms around his shoulders, his fingers slowly stroking the soft black hair he loved so much.

Alec's lips parted as if he was about to say something, but in the end he only let out a sigh, and soon closed his eyes, trying his best to relax. When he soon felt Magnus rolling up the short sleeve of his shirt, and pressing a lingering kiss to his shoulder, making him shiver for the second time within only a few minutes, he finally ended up talking.

"Vampires..." He whispered, pulling his legs up and moving closer to Magnus without even realising it, taking a small sip of his tea. His body still kept trembling from the mix of anxiety, fear, confusion, and many more things he couldn't identify, but at least he found the energy to talk. "Why does there always have to be a group of them that can't respect the law?" Alec was talking slowly and barely louder than a whisper, but Magnus didn't rush him in any way. He listened closely and waited patiently, all while playing soothingly with a few locks of Alec's hair.

"One of them... One of them tried to attack Jace from behind. I had no choice." Alec knew he didn't have to convince Magnus about it, but he still said that, almost defensively. There was a long pause after those words, nearly a minute, and as he talked again, Magnus heard anger in his voice. " _No one_ hurts my parabatai."

Those words, despite the tone Alec used, made the warlock smile, and he reached out, his fingers curling under Alec's chin, tilting his head up slightly and making the man look at him. "I know you are feeling bad about it, but I, for one, am proud of you." He said, patiently waiting for the words to sink in, the change in Alec's expression letting him know exactly when that happened; the younger man looked surprised, but there was also a tiny smile hiding in the corner of his lips.

"Do you know what is, besides around thirteen hundred others, one of the reasons why I love you so much?" Magnus asked, not even giving Alec a chance to reply before he continued: "It's the way you always care for and worry about others first. You protect those who are important to you, no matter what it takes. But you have to promise me that you will take care of yourself too, deal?"

Alec remained silent for a while longer, simply letting himself get lost in the warlock's eyes; the eyes only he had the prerogative to always see and appreciate in their true beauty. Magnus usually made his pupils look perfectly human-like, and changed the colour of his eyes to a warm chocolate brown, but when he was with Alec, he never hid the true shape or colour. With Alec, he had nothing to worry or be ashamed about.

"Deal." Alec replied eventually, giving a small nod of his head, and leaned forward to place his still nearly full mug on the coffee table, before turning to Magnus. By then there were only bits and pieces of his anxiety left, and even though he wasn't perfectly calm yet, his eyes were already shining happily with curiosity. "Do you really have a thousand and three hundred reasons to love me? I'd like to hear them all!"

At that very second Magnus decided to actually do it, and even though none of them ended up counting it, the warlock still spent the whole evening telling Alec all the reasons why he loves him. It obviously wasn't even near a thousand, especially since Alec ended up falling asleep somewhere around the sixtieth one, but it was more than enough to make the Shadowhunter feel like the happiest person alive.


End file.
